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Smoking
Smoking (also known as shmewking) is a habit/addiction some people hawe where they roll up a thin piece of paper into a long thin cylinder filled with dried tobacco leawes (known as a cigarette), then light the paper and leawes on fire, then put one end of the cigarette in their mouth and inhale the smoke. They may then exhale excess smoke. Chaney hates people who smoke. In the UK and US about 20% of the adult population smokes. It used to be more common in the 1970's before people realised "oh shit this is the number one unhealthiest habit that exists". Uses of smoking Smoking has gained some surprising uses in ewery day life. Below is the list of uses for smoking: As a magic wand for buses You may be sitting waiting in the -17'C bus stop for 2 hours waiting for that bloody bus to arriwe. Absolutely nothing. Then as soon as you light up, BAM, the bus bombs round the corner. EWERY TIME!! Finding a date Some people are sexually attracted to smokers. Smoking may get you laid. Getting rid of enemies Blow smoke in the bastards' face. That will send them running. This is the ultimate attack because cigarettes are known to contain ower 70 carcinogens. You're essentially trying to giwe them cancer. Ewen though they're getting about 0.0001% of it that you are. But who cares about that? Losing all your money Is all that damned money bogging you down? Want to shed a little bit? Get addicted to smoking! Smoke fiwe packs ewery single day. That will make your coat a little lighter! As tampons Don't lie female smokers, you'we done this. As a Halloween costume When you're hard-pressed for a costume, bring a packet of cigarettes - you can go as a DRAGON! As a kiss enhancer Get your significant other who also smokes, both fill your mouths with smoke, then lock lips tight. Then blow smoke into each others' mouths. Suicide The slowest suicide imaginable, since smoking takes DECADES to catch up to a person. Smokers ws. Non-smokers Smokers are always at war with non-smokers. Non-smokers like to beliewe they're better than smokers, which pisses smokers off. But they're only pissed off because they're jelly because they'we tried 15 times to quit and hawe been unable to. Did I forget to mention that smoking is like, super addictiwe? Since a smoker finds it incredibly difficult to stop, they will always enwy the non-smoker. Also non-smokers massiwely outliwe smokers. Addictiwe You thought Candy Crush was bad? Smoking contains nicotine, which will grab you with a tungsten fist and newer let you go. EWER. Unless you actually manage to quit. If you DO manage to quit, holy shit you are a fucken beast. So you're probably wondering how people get into smoking in the first place? *Their friend called round their house one day when they were 13 or so, hawing obtained (ie stolen) their father's packet of cigarettes (it's almost always the father). They were like "SMOKE WITH ME WE'RE FUCKING BADASS FUCK YEAH FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCKING SHIT FUCK!!!!" *They were like "yolo why not". Their friend lit them up, and they immediately collapsed to the ground coughing and spluttering, yelling "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?! Why does ANYONE GET ADDICTED!?!" *They go to bed that night feeling their life is missing something, and has always been missing something, but they newer realised it till now. *They feel so ill the next day. Nicotine already has them by the tip of their penis or clitoris. *They steal their parents' money for "sweets" and actually buy a box of 20 of the strongest shit sticks they can find. *BOOM - new smoker on the block! *40 years later, they'we literally smoked ower 400,000 lifetime cigarettes and don't plan on quitting any time soon. *Then the repercussions hit. Repercussions Oh god where do I ewen begin. *Your teeth turn yellow. *Your breath is permanently bad. *Your clothes stink. *Your house stinks. *Ewerything you come into contact with stinks. *Your fingers turn orange, according to Adele. *You might find yourself coughing quite a bit. *You literally hawe no money to ewen pay the rent. *You can't taste anymore. *You can't smell anymore. *You hawe heightened risk of just about ewery illness out there. *Your colds take fucking FOREWER to disappear. *Suddenly loads of friends leawe you cuz they don't want smoke blown in their face ewery time they speak to you. *You gain a bad image. *You're constantly guilty knowing that you must quit, but just can't. *Crawings hitting you 10 minutes after your last fag. *You go to the doctor about all this coughing and learn you hawe fucking LUNG CANCER, and the only way out is to make meth. *If that doesn't kill you, the atheroma, heart disease, stroke, emphysema, alzheimers, diabetes, brittle bones, aneurysm or erectile dysfunction will. Disclaimer Don't smoke. Or do smoke, whatewer it's up to you. And if you're reading this and you do smoke, we're all judging the shit out of you. See that pile of shit on the floor? That came from you, because we judged you so much. Eugh that pile of shit smells disgusting. Might need a cigarette to drown out the smell of the shit. And another cuz why the fuck not? Oh fuck it how about 500,000. Oh shit now I'm addicted. THANKS A LOT!!! Puff puff puff. Cough cough.